


And This Song: For You

by Kentarou_San



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, College, Eventual Smut, First Time, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Hai, Idol AU, M/M, Singer kyoutani, Teasing, Waiter yahaba, after college, feeling like strangers, no longer knowing where they stand, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2018-12-27 19:38:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12087957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kentarou_San/pseuds/Kentarou_San
Summary: Idol AU where Kentarou is approached by a scout for a famous performing arts school in Osaka, he origionally doesn't want to do it because he'll have to be away from  Shigeru but Shigeru just wants his boyfriend to go and be happy. Eventually Shigeru breaks up with Kentarou to get him to go to the college, but four years later when he moves to the very prefecture Kentarou had moved to his depression worsens. With little meaning in his life, and a huge weight on his shoulders, he works for his uncle in a restaurant famous for celebrity appearances all the while thinking Kentarou is better off now and happy. But is it possible that that's not the case? Could the ever grumpy, "I don't need anyone" Kyoutani be just as miserable even with a job doing what he loves?Shigeru doubted, but little did he know that Kentarou was still singing for him and only him.(It get's better as i go on, i'm sorry that the first chapter is so confusing and has a lot of skips but please bare with me).





	1. Sad song, beautiful ending

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go

"Just _go_." Yahaba said, looking Kyoutani anywhere but in the eye.

"This is bullshit, i can tell you don't mean it so stop!" Kyoutani replied stomping over to his not quite ex boyfriend with newfound poison in his glare, Yahaba (as always) held his ground with a matching face but for once there was no venom. The  rain was spilling down his face but Kyoutani still found him beautiful, and still found himself longing for Yahaba in ways that seemed so natural. Even if they hadn't been a normal couple for a while now, the fighting and trouble of such a simple thing had taken too big a toll on their relationship. Kyou didn't even remember the last time they had kissed, or even hugged. He could remember the first kiss, and even the second, the feeling of butterflies in his stomach and the fluttering of his chest. There were no such feelings now, just a bitter reality between two lovers slowly pushing themselves apart.

"But i do," The slightly taller turned around  so that he didn't have to see the pain in golden eyes, "I don't love you anymore, so go to that university and stop following me like a puppy. It's _pathetic_." the words stung both of them like a dull needle invading into a vein; and Kyoutani was almost convinced that the words were true but he still doubted.

"I.. Don't.. Love you. So just..." There it was, the voice Yahaba used to intimidate another team. Bluffing, and trying his best to convince that he wasn't. It worked on everyone but Kyoutani and a few others, he _really_ wanted to call him out but he was so pissed he couldn't.

"Yeah i get it," He said and stood there a moment before he turned around also, "But don't you ever come before my eyes again, i _fucking hate_ you." He called over his shoulder, feeling the malice in his voice like a knife as he started walking away.

Shigeru was the one who turned around but Kentarou was the one who walked away, both had tears streaming down their face.

How did this happen to the two most perfect people for each other?

_**< 3<3** _

It was no secret among the Volleyball team that Kyoutani had an amazing singing voice with such projection it could put bathroom acoustics to shame even outside, though it had been a secret to the world outside of the small family of athletes something changed. It was well into their third year, almost his and Yahaba's one year anniversary and the new third years were hanging out with their old senpai's. It was a karaoke bar and Kyouken was somewhat drunk, don't ask how they got the alcohol the simple answer is fake IDs, so of course he was feeling a little outgoing. Paired with the fact that everyone was begging him to go up and sing made him all the more willing to actually do it, "Fine." He said and stood up to walk over to the small stage.

"This is for my boyfriend, who i love; and all the gooey shit." His slurred words somewhat blurring together for him as he spoke, he chose a sort of punk-rock love song that he had been familiar and swayed with the weight of the mic in his hand.

The song started and a bubble rose in his chest as he saw Yahaba watching with fond eyes, he knew the other loved when he sang for him.

Words rolled from the tip of his tongue and his voice rang out smoothly, eyes never leaving his cute little boyfriend who looked _so_ happy. He was happy too, he wouldn't lie he loved singing and did it often just for Yahaba, sometimes it wasn't even words; just little hums and notes that fit perfectly in with the two boys- soon to be men. He flashed his beloved a cocky smile before wiggling his body ungracefully with the beat of the music, their small party (eight minus him) chuckled lightly and he grinned, Yahaba's laugh the loudest and more whimsical than the words from Kyou's own mouth.

When the song ended he stepped down and clapping came from all over, not loud, but just enough to make the back of his neck and ears heat up. He sat down feeling a little bashful and Yahaba gave him a quick kiss, neither of them being one for PDA, there was a bit of teasing but he didn't mind for once. He had just started eating again when a man approached him, well dressed in a sleek black suit with many piercings in his ears and lips, Kentarou liked the aesthetic of that and he himself was stretching his ears.

"Nice to meet you sir, my name is Boa Jones." The obviously foreign man said as he handed Kyoutani a small card with a phone number on it, he took it and look it over taking Boa's hand when it was offered to him.

"Uhm.. cool? I'm Kyoutani." He answered skeptically, confused as to just what this stranger was doing.

"Nice to meet you, Kyoutani-san. I'm from a recruiting party for the performing arts school in the Osaka prefecture, your voice is perfect and i was wondering if you would join the school to learn more about what you can do with your voice and maybe pursue a career as an idol?" This caused Kyou's eyes to widen, not only did this stranger offer him a school but it was in Osaka which is extremely far away.

"I'm sorry sir but i don't have the money for it, isn't Osaka's performing arts university expensive?" He asked in turn and the pierced man gave a smile that looked like it could hurt, "You are correct," he answered.

"But i'm officially offering you a full ride, you could even live in the dorms free of charge." There were gasps all across the table and he saw a grin spit onto Yahaba's face and felt the dainty but strong fingers of his boyfriend's hand clutching his own, he couldn't answer yet, he had been planning to move to a different city in Miyagi to be with Yahaba. He hadn't ever had prior thoughts of attending college either, so this was a lot.

"I'm sorry sir bu-"

"Mad-Dog Chan you half to go, this is your chance for stardom!" Oikawa chimed and almost jumped across the table to do it, Kyou shot him a glare and was about to say something but Iwaizumi beat him to it.

"Shut up Stupidkawa, it's his choice!" The tan man chided his boyfriend and pushed him harshly back into his seat, the ex captain whined but didn't try anything again.

"I'm sorry sir but i'll need to think about it, is there a time you want my answer by?" Kyoutani said looking at Oikawa again with a venom everyone knew he didn't mean, there was a tutting of a tongue and a smile crossed Boa's face, obviously proud he had successfully scouted someone so talented.

"It doesn't really matter just let me know before the next school year starts so we can enroll you." The man explained and they talked a bit more before Boa walked away mumbling "Mad-Dog, i like it" with a bounce in his steps. The night went on with talking and laughing and though the drunk man was having fun, with his head held high, but it was heavy with the weight of the decisions he might need to make.

**_< 3<3_ **

"What do you mean you want to say no?!" Yahaba's shrill voice rang out, he was pacing across the room while Kyoutani sat on his bed. They had just been making out a second ago and he could see Yahaba's puffy lips bouncing off of each other as he spoke hurriedly, kyou had tried to break it to him gently but Yahaba had jumped into.. well... _this_.

"I've already done the math, not only is it a whole days drive the gas money to get here from Osaka is more than a hundred dollars." He explained monotonously, a little grumpy that he hadn't waited until they were done making out to tell the other.

"Then we can skype, you don't have to come to me everyday. This is your chance, you never planned on going to college before and now you have a chance." Yahaba said, plopping himself near Kyoutani somewhat dramatically and draping his long arms around his boyfriend's shoulders.

"You could live _well_ and get out of here, you could have a _nice_ house and not just nice but one without leaky faucets and all that stuff you always complain about. I want you to live like a _king_." Yahaba whispered into the crook of the others neck he sounded desperate.

Despite having astounding grades and going to a popular private high school neither of them had grown up well, _were_ growing up well. Kyoutani's dad was a heavy handed drunk who liked to fight and beat him up sometimes, while Yahaba's parents were workaholics who were never home; always leaving him home alone to fend for himself, he didn't know what being held felt like until him and Kyouken got together.

Once upon a time Kyoutani Kentarou thought that Yahaba Shigeru was a selfish, _shallow_ person, however he'd never think it now because even though he didn't know what went through his boyfriend's mind, he knew he had more of a heart than people gave him credit for.

"I know you do baby, but i don't want to be away from you." He said in the sweetest tone he could muster, he felt like he was upsetting Yahaba even more but knew if he asked his boyfriend would just put on another mask.

They talked a bit more, both calming down while wrapped in each other. Eventually Yahaba had to leave and Kyou had to work, they parted ways and everything felt just a little bit _heavier_.

**_< 3<3_ **

They were fighting again, this time in Yahaba's room because Kyoutani's dad was home. Screaming filled the room, Kyou's low growls and Yahaba's frustrated yells echoing off of walls empty of life and love. Not to say they didn't love each other, they did- very much so in fact, but they both were beginning to get confused and unnerved as the end of the school year crept closer slowly; driving them into madness.

"I love you, i don't want to leave you. I don't care if i work in a shity construction company for the rest of my life i just want to be with you." He glared and slammed his fist against the small desk where Yahaba usually did homework but was currently sitting on, with Kyoutani between his thighs glaring up at him. Yahaba glared back down, his bottom lip twitching _ever so slightly_. And Kyou understood why he was doing this, Yahaba just wanted him to turn out okay but Yahaba was the only way he'd ever be okay. Yahaba was the only real loved one he'd ever had and he'd be _damned_ if he'd ever leave him.

_Little did he know he would._

"You _need_ this." Yahaba stated, his slender fingers gripping the collar of Kyoutani's sweatshirt like it was the thinning red thread tying them together.

"I don't need money, or a great job, or college. _I need you._ " He snapped and grit his teeth. He wanted to grab Yahaba and smash their lips together so painfully it would make him cry, he was so angry he just wanted to _hurt_ him; but he also wanted to wrap his arms around him, and assure that he feels _better_. It was conflicting and scary, so he did nothing.

"No, you need a great life and if it doesn't involve me i'm fully willing to step away. You need to be _happy_." The words weren't anything special but there was something violent about them coming from his beloved's mouth, it infuriated him to the point where he was ripping himself from his boyfriend's grip and trudging downstairs at full spead.

"No!" He said before leaving, not bothering to close the door because he knew Yahaba would stand in the doorway to watch him leave.

" _You are my happy._ "

**_< 3</3_ **

And all of that lead up to this, these crucial but ever fading moments where the world seems like it's going to end but still moves forward without you. It was all leading up to these moments where one door closed and way too many opened, and the two were lost within the maze of doors, eventually getting lost in the _shh-hing_  of the rain.

Whichever door they chose would certainly be the end of the chapter, there would be nothing more of _them_ after this. This was they're future.

Four days before Yahaba moves up to the new city where his university is, _alone_.

Less than a month before school starts, less than a month to tell Boa yes or no.

They had been fighting and fighting and fighting, at this point the lines between love and fear and so many other things were blurring together. It was drizzling lightly and they were standing outside, halfway between Kyoutani and Yahaba's respective homes. They were running out of time and they both knew it, but perhaps the worst thing was that neither of them knew where they stood with each other anymore.

So when Yahaba finally told him that he needed to go he clung on for dear life, "Just let me go too!" He said, exasperated and desperate.

"No, call Boa and tell him you'll attend the university." There was a slight pause, a slight _hesitation_ before Kyou's world came to a stuttering halt in the form of rain soaked silvery brown hair and eyes filled with... _nothing_.

" **We're over.** "

The words repeated over and over again in his mind before he found them eventually escaping through his own lips as he made his way inside the all-too-warm house, he was no longer crying but the rain on his cheeks made frosty tears for him.

The first thing he did when he got to his room was punch a hole in the wall, the second thing he did was drown his bleeding hand in cold water in the bathroom. Then he took a nap and when he woke up called Yahaba close to sixty times, every time he never got an answer. He repeated the cycle of sleeping and calling Yahaba (minus punching the wall) until it was the day Yahaba left, he didn't call that day; at least he didn't call Yahaba.

He called Boa.


	2. Arrival in the Note B Minor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa appears, and Shigeru starts to feel a little more like himself. But Oikawa has a plan that might not lead to the happy ending he desires.
> 
> (Oikawa is a little bit of the doting senpai)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall Kyou will be next chapter and oh my god it's going to be beautiful.

The train stops with a screech and a man emerges, he looks younger than he is but the frown on his face and smile lines by his eyes give off a rightfully mature feel. He looks around the large station that's filled to the brim with people, it's much bigger than he had ever expected and reminds him of an anthill with little ant people in it. Something like this is nothing like where he'd come from. It was like Osaka was a whole 'nother world compared to Miyagi, though he realized it made sense for it to be this way. Osaka was like the Athens of Japan, and he was small and insignificant in its glory.

He took a deep, testing breath, he had Osaka rolling around in his mind for four years, silently hating the prefecture even though he'd never been to it before. But he was fresh out of college and had a great job opportunity offered to him so why the hell would _Yahaba_ turn it down, he had no reason not to want to come here for such a high paying job. He let the breath go and tried not to let the melancholy creep back in, he had done _a lot_ of things within these stressful, lonely four years but he didn't let bad choices stop him. He had time and Kyoutani had freedom, that's all he wanted. And he tried to to himself he was happy, but Osaka was where Kyoutani lived now and he could feel his eyes already scanning the crowds for familiar fuzzy head of oddly dyed hair and determined golden eyes. His own desperation to glimpse the man in person had been suffocating for nearly four years, though now that he was here he'd be watching even _closer_.

He got his bags and called an Uber, taking the time to look around the busy square as he waited. Immediately his eyes caught sight of a familiar face staring right back at him, except instead of flesh there was hard plaster, a billboard. He stared up at it taking in Kyoutani's oh so different features, bigger muscles, a deeper set glare, stretched ears with two black rings above them in each one, he also looked more mature; like a _real_ man.

That was right, he had all but forgotten that Kyoutani had blown up as an idol. His serious, tough, and scary looks, so different from others that people were drawn to him from the moment his first single released, admittedly Yahaba hadn't listened to any of his music, he felt like it would be taboo to even think of listening to the voice of someone who hates his guts. He wasn't _worthy_ of the right to hear such an amazing thing after what he's done.

Yahaba on the other hand was still the exact same, his boyish looks never leaving and his muscle mass never increasing no matter how hard he worked at it; he hadn't even grown more than a centimeter within all these long, long years. Kyou was doing so much better and Yahaba had chosen to be left in the dust, in the _freezing_ rain. He felt shity and it only worsened when he crawled into the front seat of the smelly uber when it arrived.

"Look who's the pathetic one now." He thought to himself, wanting to give a bitter laugh but he couldn't even manage that anymore. He didn't have friends anymore, hadn't called them in over three years, and never answered anyone but Oikawa's texts but that was only to convince him not to call the police thinking he had died. He just didn't feel like being emotionally involved with anyone anymore (didn't feel like he deserved it either), it had been years since he smiled and that was sad in itself.

He arrived at his new, tiny apartment already wanting to be long gone, he knew that he could upgrade when he finally got steady payment but that didn't make him feel any less cramped up. What a mess. Yahaba let his suitcases fall, his parents being generous enough for negligent jerks bought him some furniture that would arrive within the next two to four days, so he would be sleeping, eating, and everything else on the floor. A sigh escaped his lips and he let his mind wander to the job his uncle had offered him, it was a fancy restaurant that was situated on the top floor of a skyscraper, the view over the city was supposed to be "magical" or something. It was also apparently a hotspot for celebrities and millionaires and that sort, meaning the pay (if you're good) would be great.

"I wonder if he would ever show up there?" He thought aloud, " _Who am i kidding, of course not._ " He almost laughed when he remembered Kyoutani's affinity for dodging places he'd have to wear a suit. It was funny but laughing at old memories just couldn't be done, those memories weren't his anymore, they were no one's; destined to be lost in the wind.

He wished it could have been different, and he felt selfish for feeling so sad over Kyoutani's successful, happy life. He had been the one to say over and over that he wanted happiness for his ex lover, that he would be happy if Kyou was. But he shouldn't dwell on this now, he needs to clean up the tiny little place he now called home.

**_< /3</3_ **

They had started his training right away, not giving lecturers but giving him hands on experience while explaining as they go. It was easier than he thought, in fact the omly different/unnerving thing about this was that his uncle was watching him like a hawk. Trying to make sure Yahaba was doing as well as he thought his nephew should, other than constantly being watched it was quite easy.

On his break he took a walk with his uncle, who was amazing compared to Yahaba's parents for the record. They talked and caught up, settling down for lunch in a cheap bar. Yahaba's uncle found it hilarious that they worked in a high class restaurant were you wore suits and drank wine but ate at such shabby places, and with the way a waitress gave him a somewhat exhausted look he figured that his uncle came around a lot.

You know what else came around a lot?

Kyoutani, not the actual person of course, but the thought of him, and posters of him, and people talking about him. Talk of the famous Mad-Dog idol was all he heard all day, wether it was the old couple on the train disapproving of his use of bad words, or people whispering rumors while staring at posters, or even his landlord to another tenant while they laughed. He of course had heard all of it back at Miyagi too, and just as often; but the knowledge that Kyouken was _so close_ was crushing.

He felt like even if he left the country he would still feel the crushing of his ex boyfriend's presence, either that or the loneliness.

Now sitting on the floor with his dinner (Thai takeout) on his lap he wondered if it was too late to go back and just pretend he had never came here to Osaka, he wouldn't play games with himself though and knew he couldn't.

He slurpped a noodle, absent mindedly eating when a call came, causing him to jump and bite his lip accidentally. He grimaced at the pain and answered it, already knowing that caller.

"I thought you finally gave up on me, Oikawa." His voice sounded cold but not even Yahaba, who's emotions had drawled back like wounded animals since he left, could fight the spark of familiarity in his chest. There was a tut on the other line and a frustrated sigh, Yahaba didn't feel bad at all.

"Like i'd ever, why won't you come and visit me and Iwa? It's not like it's a crime to take a day trip to Osaka, i'll even pay!" Oikawa said a little desperately; that's right, he had forgotten that Oikawa didn't know he had moved to the very prefecture that Oikawa had been begging him to come to for years. He never could before, but here he was.

"Alright." He replied.

_**< 3<3** _

Silence etched into the room, carving lines of goosebumps in his skin. Part of him didn't want to be there, and the other part watched their eyes off of him. But Iwaizumi and Oikawa just looked on, burning his flesh with the intensity of their studying him. He didn't know what they saw but he felt naked in their gaze, this was first time he'd seen any of his friends face to face in four years and it was nerve racking.

There was a clearing of a throat and Yahaba took another sip of his tea, "So why are you like this?" Oikawa asked with such curiosity Yahaba's ears became deaf with anxiety.

He offered a shrug as a response, counting to three before he was able to get his voice back. "Like what?" He asked back, he honestly wasn't sure what Oikawa meant.

"Like this... i've been talking to the others and you haven't even texted them, they're worried." The older man said, Yahaba didn't need to let the words sink in. He had thought about that too, quite a lot, but he didn't have an answer. He glanced at Iwaizumi, they weren't as close as him and Oikawa were but he felt a little honored to have the ex ace's concerned gaze turned on him. Iwaizumi offered a pained smile and Yahaba couldn't stop himself from turning away.

_Right, i shouldn't bother happy people with meaningless problems._

"Me and Kyou broke up and i was the one who ended it, you know that." He said and sighed, steam from his cups wafting away from his face and filling the empty space between him and his friends. He slid his fingers across the table top, the smooth texture felt vast under his touch but he knew it would end once he got close to the edge. For a fraction of a moment he let his tongue peek from behind his chapt lips to wet them before pulling it back it, he looked at the table and up again.

"I'm unhappy because he's happy without me." He said simply.

_He promised me i was his happy._

The other two looked understanding and Oikawa's hand reached out to his. Yahaba didn't move, tired of always pulling away, he let the other whisp his fingers up and down the top of his forearm with the slightest of sad smiles. He couldn't stop himself from firsting his hands and pressing his knuckles into his eyes, he was ruining everything again, his anxiety was coming back.

"I'm sorry, i don't even know why i came..." He whispered, feeling like his t-shirt was made of hot lead. It weighed down on his shoulders and burned the flesh of his back, his body was over heating unnaturally; but he wasn't sweating, this heat wasn't an outside thing. It was his body burning out the last of what it could, he was running out of steam.

"Don't be sorry Shi-chan, we're you're friends after all." Oikawa spoke but he felt Iwaizumi's hands wrap around his wrists to pull his fists away, he looked thoughtful and Yahaba wondered how on earth he could have made friends with these two magnificent people. They were so out of touch, something Yahaba didn't understand.

"How long has it been since you've seen Watari, he moved here too y'know, so did Kindaichi." Iwaizumi said letting his wrists go, Yahaba let them fall with a painful thud and shook his head slightly.

"I-uh, Oikawa and you are the only people i've.." He inwardly cringed when the two before him exchanged a look that made him want to crawl into a hole. And then suddenly Oikawa was pulling him by his hand to the bedroom, rambling about him needing to change into something "more appropriate for a beautiful young bachelor" whatever that meant. The door was shut, well slammed, and in a moment his senpai was throwing clothes across the room looking for something to dress his precious kohai in.

"Oikawa-san what are we even doing?" He asked, struggling to get away as his older friend attempted to stirp him after finding some clothes apparently perfect for him. A small puff of breath escaped his mouth at the others antics, it was one of his favorite things about the man and had forgotten about it until now. Oikawa seemed elated at the little laugh but squawked when he kept getting pushed away.

"Come on Shi-chan! Just be a good like kohai!" He whined and Yahaba made a little puff again, "No pervert-Oikawa-san." He said indifferently, though he was enjoying the silly banter.

There came a thump on the door that made him jump, "Hey Shittykawa leave him alone!" Iwaizumi yelled through the wood.

"Poor Iwa, jealous that i don't undress him!" Oikawa snickered as stomps sounded in the hall and another annoyed yell called, Yahaba smiled a little bit before pushing his senpai out of the room, all the while the man gave indignant squawking. Once the door was shut he turned to the little bundle that Oikawa had pulled out for him, he wondered if it would actually fit him as he was thinner and slightly shorter than him, but he tried it anyway.

He exited the room wearing the flowy top, it didn't have any shoulders so his upper arms and neck felt naked. It was light blue in colour and obviously Oikawa's by the way it hung down over his crotch and ass, on said ass he was wearing some black short-shorts that for some reason fit his hips just perfectly. When he walked down the hall and back into the kitchen he was a bit self conscious having not worn something like that since his high school day's, but Oikawa (who was now in some pretty stylish clothes himself) jumped at him.

"I'm not sure i want to go out, especially like this.. isn't it a little..." He didn't finish the thought, to be honest he was a little bit excited to go. Oikawa just nuzzled his face and squeezed him before letting him go.

"Oh no, you're going. I have a surprise."

Yahaba didn't catch Iwaizumi saying it was a bad idea in the background.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yahaba got that big booty that's why a bigger man's shorts fit him perfectly (I'm sorry lmao, i love booty)


	3. Words that Shouldn't be Sung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyouken is a small, angry child at heart.

Kyoutani had never thought that something he loved would ever turn into pure, unadulterated hate. He used to love to sing, even if most of the time he used to do it in secret. Though now he hated it, hated it so much that his body always shook in ways that convinced people it was dancing. He took a deep breath and let the words out, the used to rush like a river but now they felt like a trickling stream, meaningless and muted.

His music was in no way the peaceful shit you'd listen to before you fell asleep, the words were fast and loud, the beat (brought by Watari) was loud and pulsing, and the bass (played by Kindaichi) left your heart thumping with it every time. He was an unlikely celebrity, he was an unlikely hero, singing hurtful words that should ever be sung. That was the deal, Boa had taken quick advantage, having them play sweet songs with lyrics that could make you cry, or violent songs with the sweetest lyrics Kyoutani could come up with. Admittedly he liked to sing sweet lyrics with catchy tunes but hadn't been able to write any he liked, he didn't like his music anymore.

The words "i love you" seemed so tainted, and "i hate you" just never fit. His mind was always screaming for one thing and he almost found the name fluttering from his mouth, so pretty yet so painful.

"I miss you" was the better way to say what he wanted, but he didn't, and notes and words trickled from him to bleed his head dry.

In the crowd before him he saw a tuft of familiar hair and looked away from it, it was just a fiction of his mind. There was no way Yahaba was here, this was so far away from where he lived, and this was also a club. They had tried to go to one before but his now ex boyfriend had started to have an anxiety attack and they had to leave, instead they had spent the night at Yahaba's parents house, giggling and doing whatever they wanted.

Suddenly the crowd's screaming was beating into his ears, he had gotten lost in his head again, and now he was back. He felt the kickdrum in his chest, he felt the words in his throat, felt the bass in his ears. A sweeter song but still loud, with hurtful lyrics.

" _I hate you._ " The words signalled the songs end, it took him a moment to realize his eyes had locked with another. Silvery brown, caramely hair, pail skin, pink lips, and small nose. There was a slap on his back and he turned to see Kindaichi with the grin he usually wore after a gig, it lowered upon seeing Kyou's usual glared twisted into shock.

"What's wrong?" He asked, barely audible over the annoyingly loud crowd. Ken wanted to tell them to shup up, he felt overwhelmed.

_That couldn't have been real._

It was too loud, it was too bright, his vision was tunnelling and all he could see at the end was the vision of someone that shouldn't be there. He never wanted Yahaba to be there, he couldn't let him hear those songs, couldn't let that happen. But if that mirage was real then it had, and it donned on him that he had sung such hurtful words to him again. This can't be happening, he refused to think it was real. He looked back at the same spot, now filled with different people, it really hadn't been him.

"Yeah, i'm good." He replied letting his voice out, it was gruffer now, deeper too. It was amazing what years could do to you, and you're love for someone. He had never meant it when he told Yahaba that he hated him, it never felt right to be away from the other for so long but this was damming.

Kindaichi didn't looked convinced but shrugged and started walking off of the stage, "Hey Oikawa and Iwaizumi are here, Oikawa says he has a present for you, you gonna stay or flake like last time?" He asked as they got to the backstage area.

Kyoutani sighed, "Why can't we just ban him.." he grumbled but was distracted by the image of the face in the crowd. Suddenly urgency filled his body.

"Did he say what it was?!" He asked, swaying towards Kindaichi almost desperately. The younger man just shrugged and gave him a look but was quickly disregarding it again, knowing Kyoutani would always get a little jumpy when he started looking in the crowds, though he didn't know why.

"I dunno, Watari already ran off to find them. Let's wait till he get back to lead us to em, he might know." The oddly styled haired man said and quickly put on a smile again, "Who knows maybe he's buying us drinks!" He said as he swung an arm around Kyou's broad shoulders. Kyouken had gotten used to this and it no longer annoyed him so he rolled with it, glaring at the fans that had paid for backstage passes, they just shrieked eagerly which annoyed him.

The fans were bombarding him and Kindaichi for autographs and shit when Watari got back, he looked a little grim which quickly whiped the annoyance from Ken's body. Him and Watari had become better friends since high school and was willing to punch a bitch for him, he quickly excused himself from rhw gathering and walked over, Kindaichi right behind him.

"What happened?" He asked, glaring deeply. Strangers would have thought he was going to kill the smaller man but he would never dream of it, Watari looked clearly torn something that confused the hell out of Kyouken.

"Shigeru's here..." He said, he looked at Kindaichi cleary both were extremely happy to see the friend who they would have thought died without Oikawa telling them he was still kicking. However he gave a sympathetic, worried look to Kyoutani who was fucking freaking out.

"Where?" Kyou demanded, looming over the shaven haired who looked concerned. It was no secret that Ken still loved the ex setter but he was worried that he'd do something rash because of his new life style.

"Iwaizumi took him outside, we all know how he gets with crowds and loud places. I guess he never got over it.." He started to trail off, "You're not going to punch anyone are you?" He continued as he put a hand on Kyoutani's should. Kyou didn't even know himself, he was tempted to punch Oikawa but he wasn't quite sure why, he still loved Yahaba with every fiber of his being so he should be happy to see him. But he supposed some part of him was pissed for bringing the other here, because it would only be painful memories. Yahaba didn't love him, that much he knew, but he didn't want to know that Yahaba was happy without him. Hell the man probably had a new lover at this point, he was probably even more attractive now too. These thoughts were devastating, swimming in his head like piranhas, ready to eat any other thoughts that dared to test the waters of his mind.

_**< /3</3** _

His ears pounded as they made their way to the booth, he wasn't sure what he had said to Watari (or if he had even said anything) but he was leading him and Kindaichi there none the less. When they got there it was only Iwaizumi now, he looked at Ken with something that could only be apologetic. Watari was immediately asking if Oikawa had gone with Yahaba instead, the older man nodded and let out a tired sigh.

"I told him this was a bad fucking idea, especially since today was the first time we'd seen Yahaba too." The man said and Kyoutani took a seat, listening quietly. He and the other two had met up with Iwaizumi and Oikawa quite often, though he could tell this would be super different.

"How are you, you okay with Yahaba being here?" Iwaizumi asked and all three men's head's turned to him, he shrugged in response, appearance: indifferent.

"Why the fuck would i care, it's not like i love him anymore, he's a stranger now. He was the one who cut everyone off, remember?" He said and he saw both Watari and Kindaichi open their mouths likely to chide him but they shut quickly as they looked behind him, suddenly a voice sounded and it drew a shiver down his spine. I was so clear, like the almost deafening background noise didn't exist, such a _beautiful_ voice.

Suddenly Oikawa was sitting next to Iwaizumi across from Ken, he had a smirk on his face that he matched with a glare. Suddenly the chairs where Watari and Kindaichi had been sitting were emptied and their voices cheered happily, he could almost feel the happiness radiating from them. Yahaba sounded hushed and sniffily, probably overwhelmed from the anxiety attack he probably had, and the happiness from being reunited with his friends. Kyoutani had to remind himself that none of this was because of him, not the tears, nor the little laugh he just barely caught in his voice as he told Kindaichi not to cry and Watari to get off.

Yahaba was fine without him, he needed to prove that he was too. So he didn't turn around to look, he didn't even glance at him when Watari made him sit down in a chair across from him, he just ordered a beer and made his eyes oogle a few girls to his right. No one knew his sexuality, hell he didn't either, he had never been interested in anyone before Yahaba and no one since.

After a few minutes of talking from the others and foot connected with his shin and he growled in response, staring Oikawa down with clenched fists. Usually he and the older man got along mostly well, but at the moment he kinda wanted to kill him. He honestly would have strangled him by now if Iwaizumi wasn't there, he respected the man more than anything and wasn't willing to ruin their friendship.

"Aren't you glad to see Shi-chan, Kyouken?" Oikawa asked with a boastful glint, Kyoutani looked over at the man and kinda wanted to fucking _kill_ himself.

Yahaba was doing his best to focus on both Watari and Kindaichi at the same time, the two were both talking a mile a minute, Watari basically hanging off of the man. He was wearing a long blue shirt that showed so much skin it should be illegal and the tiny black shorts that complimented the look did nothing to hide the curve of his ass even when sitting down, Yahaba looked smaller and still like a creampuff but he also looked even more mature and cuter if that was even possible. The traces of tears in his beautiful brown eyes and the small smile on his face was doing things to Ken that he knew they shouldn't, at least not _anymore_.

There was a split second, about the time it takes for an eyelash to fall, and their eyes met.

Yahaba's quickly focusing away, Kyoutani told himself that the depressed look that crossed the others face was just indifference but deep down his heart was beating and screaming otherwise.

"It's cool i guess.." He shrugged, looking convincingly unconcerned. He looked back at Oikawa and sneered, out of the corner of his eye he made out Watari's head snap towards him and could almost feel the glare there. It turned away a second later and was back at Yahaba once more, Iwaizumi gave an unconvinced look that kinda pissed Ken off because none of these people had a _right_ to involve themselves in _his_ love life like this.

"'s not like we're friends anymore, i mean the dude cut everyone off and just comes waltzing back in. Especially now that those two are famous." He says and inwardly cringes, he's digging his own grave and he knows it. Oikawa visibly glares and Iwaizumi recoils as if burned. There's the sound of both Watari and Kindaichi calling Yahaba's name and he see out of the corner of his eye the way Yahaba rips himself from Watari's arms and starts stumbling away.

And like that Yahaba is gone again and suddenly Oikawa is gone and Watari is screaming at him, Iwaizumi looks somewhat pissed.

"What the fuck, you idiot why would you insinuate that shit!" Watari is in his face and it's almost scary because such an angel looks so angry, ready to rip his head off. Kyoutani just shrugs but can't help the way his shaking hands fly into his hair to run through it anxiously, he stutters over his words and sighs. The pounding of the music feels like death threatening to break down his doors.

"I don't fuckin' know but i got a point don't i? He probably-"

"No you don't!" Iwaizumi cuts him off, Kyou recoils slightly at his outburst but slumps over.

"He didn't even want to go, you know why he fucking cut everyone off?- He's depressed, has been since you guys broke up." The older man with spiky hair says loudly, not quite angry. Neither Watari nor Kindaichi look surprised but they still look annoyed, Ken wants the world to swallow him up.

"He broke up with **_me_** , i should be the one depressed!" He defended, torn between sitting in that spot forever and running after Yahaba but he still sits. Iwaizumi's face softens but it's Kindaichi who speaks, he'd been closer to Yahaba out of anyone (second to Oikawa of course).

"Yeah but you're also the only one acting like a dick." He points out and Kyoutani glares at him, he knows Kindaichi is right and it pisses him off.

"So why the fuck is he depressed if he's the one who ended it?" He asks as Oikawa comes into view again, he leans to the side and turns his face to Iwaizumi talking lowly to him for a moment before the other nods and gives him a peck on the lips.

After that Oikawa turns to him and is visibly seething, "Well dick brain you better figure it out!" He cusses then walks back away and out of the club where he glimpses Yahaba's crying face through the open door.

Then something happens, Kyoutani's permanent glare breaks revealing a face equivalent of a fearful child.


	4. The Instrument Called Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a filler but i'm kinda proud of it, i hope y'all enjoy!

That was it, he couldn't sit there any longer; not with someone he's still undeniably in love with sitting across from him, hating his entire being. The moment he had stepped into the club a nasty feeling had crawled inside of him and taken root there, growing like a cancer when he heard an all too familiar voice from the stage. And when he had looked up and their had eyes met it pushed his disquietude over the edge, sending his mind and body spurring to get away from the sickness taking root in the form of his own human feelings. The words " _I hate you"_ had fluttered into his ears and it made his knees buckle when they took root behind his eyes, spilling tears that seemed to pull out his very will with them. It had taken all of thirty minutes and both Iwaizumi and Oikawa to calm him down, but when they got back to the table he wanted to start crying all over again. And not just because of  the familiar fuzz of blonde hair with dark stripes, but because he was suddenly encaptured in the arms of two friends he had longed to see for years. Kindaichi was crying, talking about how they thought he had died until Oikawa said he had been talking to him; and Watari talking ten miles a minute about **_this_ ** and **_that_**. Yahaba couldn't help the smile on his face, couldn't stop the puffs of laugh in his voice either.

Then he was sitting around, Watari trying to cling onto him as if he would suddenly disappear. He did't mind, _couldn't_ mind. Then he heard Oikawa's voice, addressing the man he had yet to really look at. He was asking how he felt about his being there, a all too quickly figurative cotton balls stuck to the walls of his throat. Yahaba would have been fine with pretending that Kyoutani didn't exist for the rest of his life but he knew he couldn't have even if he wanted so desperately to, he heard the affectionate nickname Oikawa had given him in high school, he attempted to look up at his senpai but his eyes were captured by hardened gold. Closed off and beautiful, the way they looked at him felt belittling so he pried  them away; he may or may not have started shaking. Turning slightly, Ken's wrinkles were deeper, he glare acidic, he looked scarier but Yahaba still couldn't find it in himself to be afraid. In fact he wanted to look at the other man even more, even if the Mad Dog wanted to maul him to death.

He took a deep breath and nodded at something Kindaichi was saying, but the air froze in his lungs, frosting over the bronchi and leaving him helpless to the hurtful words now leaving the his ex lovers mouth like a poem.

"'s not like we're friends anymore," His head slowly turns, blood pumping through his slightly swollen sinuses. He know's the other isn't done, and there's no hesitation when the man continues.

"I mean the dude cut everyone off and just comes waltzing back in." There's a pause, it's theater perfect, drawing attention but Yahaba's body is already moving. Starting to pull himself away once more. "Especially now that those two are famous." It's a crashing blow, painful with the way Kyoutani says nothing about himself; as if he is somehow above anything and everything, including Yahaba.

He manages to rip out of Watari's arms and starts to run away, feeling a slight yank on his huge shirt, pulling it farther down so it just barely covers his nipples. He's crying again, running through the crowd full of people much happier than him. His hearing cuts out as he makes it out of the club, the cooler air feeling like a welcomed stranger, stifling the burning migraine he now has. He doesn't know where he is, this isn't the gym and this bottle in his hand isn't a volleyball; he can't throw it only to have it bounce. He couldn't toss it and _his_ spiker certainly couldn't hit it to the other side of the net, he doesn't know where he came from to get to this.

He's sobbing _louder_ than he ever has before, the noises wrench themselves from his body. Through his chest and up his throat like bile, stolen out of his mouth like a forceful tongue taking a raping kiss. Arms wrap around his naked shoulders and glass drops and shatters, he feels the thick shards hitting his ankle and shin. He sobs harder, turning around to let the long arms embrace him. _He is pathetic_ , becoming like this for what should be _nothing_.

"It's okay." Oikawa shushes him, holding him tightly. He susses momentarily that the noise has returned and so has the physical pain, he almost drops when the feeling returns but his friend has him. Grasping tightly, and Yahaba could understand the reasoning behind thinking he would disappear. He himself doesn't feel like he's actually there. His toes are on the ground but they are numb, he doesn't feel grounded but he doesn't feel like he could float away. He's just hovering in limbo, not connected to anything but the arms holding onto him for dear life.

Oikawa sits him down and kneels before him, genuine remorse on his face as he whispers "I'm sorry Shi-chan, i didn't think he would say something like that.". Yahaba just stares back at him, the tears cling to his eyelashes and the spit slides against his tongue. He nods. Admittedly he know's this is somewhat his senpai's fault but he doesn't feel mad, not when so many good things had happened today. Other's might take them for granted but to Yahaba they were precious, polished diamonds, glinting in the dim light. He had seen Watari, Kindaichi, Oikawa, and Iwaizumi again, even the love of his life (though it wasn't something to ever feel good about), he had gotten a job, he had _smiled,_ he had _felt_ , he had fun. But he remembered cold, serious eyes, not knowing that they were just a bitter mask.

As Oikawa left again to talk to Iwaizumi he started crying once more, he could feel the people waiting to get into the club staring which made it worse. He voice was stuttering, his lungs had thawed and now were burning inside of him; begging for air as uncontrollable sobs stole it from them. He stared down at the blood on his leg the best he could, the deepest red soaking into his sock and shoe, he could see the tiny shards sticking out of his skin like the figurative splinters in his heart.

Time seemed to pass to fast, and he was struggling to keep up when Oikawa appeared again. He looked mad, and Yahaba _knew_ it wasn't his fault but he couldn't stop himself from choking out an apology when the taller helped him up.

"..I'm sorry..." The words seemed so broken and so tried, gauche in the deepest sense. Fat tears escaping down his face at a steady pace, as if they were fingers running down the strings of the violin he used to play in middle school. Setting the tone in long strides that stained his alabaster skin, Oikawa offered a playful smile; not forced nor unmeant. He looked down at Yahaba with a fond sadness that summed up the younger man's life perfectly.

"Don't mind." He said, sending Yahaba back to his middle school years where the number five lead his life; when 16 wasn't his favorite number. He had tried so hard, falling on his face often to save a ball because thee court was the only place people looked at him. His parents never spared him a glance, people never noticed him in the halls, but when he played and the ball left his hands like a prayer; people saw what he _could_ be. What happened to his 13 year old dreams.

The simple answer was nothing.

They were still there and burning brightly, but no longer in his head like turquoise butterflies.

They were now a man, who had clearly fallen in hate with him.

**_< 3<3_ **

 

The next few weeks passed like washing machines, just a blur of images swirling around in circles. Covered in soap suds as if the bubbles could wash away the confusion in his head.

It was a bright Sunday morning, the soft light was peaking in at him. Bathing whatever wasn't covered by the comforter in pale yellow light, he nuzzled deeper into the faintly rough fabric as birds chirped outside. His apartment was small and only had one room but it fit his queen sized bed and the neighbors were friendly so he was what was to be considered content. He laid there a moment longer, basking in the polished feeling that the mid-morning drew in.

After those quiet, content moments he sat up, looking at the now healed wounds from the night his reality came crashing down. Pink little scars littered the pale flesh like raindrop shaped freckles, they would soon disappear and he was looking forward to the day they did. He ran the tops of his fingers down them slowly, puppy dog eyes taking calculative looks as they studied the long leg leading down to dainty ankles. Sometimes he forgot how fragile he really was, Volleyball made him strong and confident, but he was just as human as the next. These past weeks passed quietly, almost as if he was under the radar though tons of people had visited him. It was mostly Oikawa and Iwaizumi but Kindaichi and Watari had come over a lot, even Mattsun and Makki had appeared a few times. Yahaba took a deep breath, he had seen everyone... but one, and he hated himself for still yearning for him.

But he was okay, he told that to himself a lot and he was starting to believe it too. He was slowly shutting the flood gates, unaware that they would open fully in a short amount of time. He just sat up and headed towards the shower, not quite oblivious to the fate that was creeping up on him. For better or for worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you liked about it, i enjoy getting comments of any kind s feel free to just do whatever you like!


	5. Dancing to Your Heart Beat Under Afternoon's Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jenyifer my lovely friend on Tumblr gave me the idea for the chains on Kyou's neck, they're more important in the next chapter tho.

Kyoutani doesn't know what to do, and it reminds him of second year all over again. Getting pissed at Yahaba for the way he is, getting even more angry at himself. He knows he's not the soul problem here but he hadn't needed to be like that at the club. That was poor judgement and bitterness due to being left alone for years, even when he wasn't actually alone.

The scene plays over and over in his mind, his eyes meeting Yahaba's and drinking him and his looks in. He should have known that he was depressed, his ex boyfriend only ever got that look in his eyes when he was hiding something detrimental. He remembers opening his mouth but it's not so much the words that had come out, he was mostly reminiscing of the feeling he got when he said them, but it was also the reaction of the others; the murderous glint in Oikawa's eyes, and the mortified yelling of Watari, even the disdain of Iwaizumi.

It was Yahaba's crying face through the closing door that occupied his thoughts the most however, it was a brutal blow to everything he's ever thought since they broke up. Every " _He's happier_ ", every " _He's moved on_ ", even the " _Forget him_ "'s; everything.

Yahaba was probably thinking those things too, he recognized soon after that revelation. It brought along with it both fear and excitement that had him moping around his apartment. Did Yahaba think that he really hated him now, probably- no, _of course_ he did. Did Kyou cry a little when he realized this, of course (and you would too).

He didn't pay as much attention to singing as he used to, alway busy looking for Yahaba in the crowd. Though he doubted he'd ever come again. The crowd still ate it up, loving every curse and moan of his voice like it were some sort of fucking delicacy.

It had been a few **_months_** since the incident at the club, he felt the same shity feeling from when they first broke up all over again. He remembers the day they got together, surely awkward but always close to his heart but now he wears it on his sleeve, like a nightmare.

_"Hey, Ken.." The setter said looking somewhat shy for once, it was after afternoon practice and they were walking home together after practicing a little extra. It had become a tradition soon after Yahaba had thrown him against the wall, they now had a lot of respect between them and a dangerous friendship._

_"What?" Came the short reply, the question there and gone; like it's existence had been annihilated as soon as it rolled off his tongue._

_Out of the corner of his eye he saw Yahaba pulling gently at his fringe, a nervous habit, he learned. He wanted desperately to reach up and hold that hand instead of letting it do what it wanted, instead he just continued walking. There was a little huff, somewhere between frustrated and nervous, this really got his attention. Turning to face the other boy became somewhat of a problem because as soon as he tried Yahaba nodded slightly in the other direction, biting his lip._

_"Is something wrong?" He asked slightly hurriedly, stopping and grabbing the slightly taller boy by the shoulders and forcing him to face him. His voice was the usual unimpressed and grumpy sound but there was a certain softness to it that was reserved only for Yahaba. The soon-to-be captain shook his head, looking at the other boy's broad shoulder instead of his face. He was blushing, just barely noticeably. "Uhm... i was wondering..." The other words got stuck in his throat, confusing the blonde boy. He knew how odd Yahaba was acting, he was usually so calm, or frustrated, or something; but never quite bashful or nervous like he was being right now._

_Time seemed to move around them not sparing a moment, icy sunlight cut through the leaves of trees sending dots of sparks along the sidewalk. If Kyoutani had been paying attention; he would have thought that it was like a natural disco ball, with only crows, stray cats, and unrequited love to dance in it's swaying lights. There was a dog barking in the distance, catching his attention for the slightest moment before a slim hand rested itself against his chest; just over his heart. Said heart immediately sped up, looking back to Yahaba but not moving away. Little touches: light high five's or soft brushes as they walked were always fleeting, like each boy wanted desperately to be closer to the other but never could._

_To eachother they were perfect, to themselves they thought unworthy of such broad shoulders, or such slim hands._

_"It's beating fast." Yahaba said simply, now looking at his hand over a soft blue t-shirt with something hard and warm underneath. Kyoutani's heart beat felt nice under his palm, like the vibration from music all too loud, it brought a sense of belonging. Like his own heart was beating along with it, in the exact same, unchanging rhythm._

_Kyoutani lifted a thicker hand and wrapped it around Yahaba's wrist, the hand twitched and he felt it vividly against his covered skin, there was a deep inhale before the pale one looked up at him. Kyoutani just stood there trying to study his crushes true face before some sort of lie hid it again._

_Kyoutani was blushing badly and he knew it, he could feel the pink spreading down his neck and up to the tips of his ears where starter gauges stretched just below in the lobes. His small eyebrows were drawn together in confusion but he more or less looked angry, anyone else would be terrified._

_Yahaba was terrified, but not for that reason._

_"I think i'm in love with you, Kentarou." The creamy skinned boy breathed, then suddenly his eyes filled with some sort of panic._

_"I m-mean do you want to like try to go on a date or something, it's not a big deal if you don't!" He rushed, but Kyoutani just looked on. He had the same feeling he had when he first saw a volleyball, pure delight which softened his face and raised his eyebrows. He was falling ever more in love with Yahaba, he had just found another side to him that he adored; embarrassment._

_"Ah, Kyou that hurts!" He snapped back from staring at the blushing boy who now looked desperate to get away, "Dude just forget it, let me go!" it took him a moment and a slap to his chest to realize he was clutching Yahaba's wrist with all his might._

_"Shit, sorry!" He exclaimed, letting go so that the wrist slipped from his fingers but the hand got trapped in his own palm. Yahaba stoppes moving, he wondered if the boy was even breathing at this point._

_Kyoutani just looked down and their intertwined hands, fitting together like two pieces of the puzzle of life; never to be figured out but happy as long as theor together._

_"Shigeru, i'm so in love with you it feels like i could fall through the floor." He murmured, not sure if he was making any sense but that was what he felt like. Like he could just sink down and get lost within nothingness that was supposed to be dirt, he felt like if he fell he wouldn't be able to take the other with him but he would still be fine knowing his love was returned._

_"I'll fall with you if you ever do, we'll find a way." Yahaba replied and giggled a little, there was a slight pause though before they embraced both clutching eachother so that if one were to fall the other would go straight with them._

_"AWE LOOK IWA CHAN, OUR PRECIOUS KOHAI FINALLY GOT TOGETHER!!!!" Came a scream then a dull thump and a whine, the two broke apart but Kyoutani still had his pinkie locked with Yahaba's. Before them Iwaizumi was standing with Oikawa who was rubbing his head but still grinning wide enough to split skin, let's just say Oikawa wouldn't let his Shi chan kohai go until Kyoutani literally had to pull him away._

He took a deep breath and let it out, "I don't wanna go." he growled as Watari tried to pull him out of his room again, squawking clearly a little annoyed.

"You need to fucking leave the apartment, Boa's starting to get pissed so just do it." He said pushing the bigger man towards the bathroom, shoving him in and slamming the door before smoothing out his suit.

"If you're not out in fifteen minutes i will put your address on the band's Twitter!" He called after himself before joining Kindaichi in the living room who was also wearing a suit, sighing deeply after sitting down.

Kyoutani climbed under the warm water, it moved like silk along his salty skin, washing away the figurative mushrooms that had grown. He'd also need to shave, he needed to look presentable for the publicity outings. Though there was no way in hell he would ever wear a suit, they reminded him of funerals and a wedding he could never have.

He sucked in the steam, he always swore he felt the perspiration coat the inside of his lungs. His chest felt heavy, his heart drowning in water and lead that made it heavier then it really should be. He closed his eyes for a moment, something he and Yahaba had in common was the fact that they both wore masks. Though Yahaba was best at hiding, Kyouken was the best at being angry.

</3</3

He exited the bathroom with the flower wilting glare that gave him his name, he looked like a mad dog, ready to strike. There was a clinking when he walked from the chains connected to the thick black choker around his neck, the eyeliner under his eyes thicker than ever, and the ripped shirt and jeans he wore looked like he had just came from winning a well fought fight, he was dangerous and he knew it. That's was drew his fans to him; the false vision they got from the way he looked, few people ever saw how he really was. People like Yahaba.

Neither of the other two looked surprised, they didn't talk much on the way to the car. Kyoutani wayched out the window as the city lights flew by, he didn't care much about where they were off to but needed to know what was going on so he could prepare himself not to kill anyone.

"So what is it this time? An interview, a record signing?" He questioned, bored and grumpy.

"Actually no." Kindaichi responded, "It some fancy restaurant, we don't have to interact with the fans but we do need to show up and let them take some pictures though." he finished and Kyoutani huffed. He was at least thankful that he did have to sign a billion papers today, he guessed that someone (Watari) probably told Boa what had happened. He didn't mind that much.

_**< /3</3** _

The camera flashes were blinding even before the car door opened, people were pointing through the heavily tinted windows, trying to capture what went on inside. It wasn't really anything camera worthy. Just some moping around.

Men in suits a little like the ones his friends wore pushed the fans and reporters away before opening the door for him and the other two, Kyoutani climbed out without a sound. Screams came, busting his ears as he walked with Watari and Kindaichi to the door. A hand met his shoulder and he turned to Kindaichi who silently reminded him that they needed to please the fans first, he was kind of amazed that Kindaichi (who had used to be a bit of a nervous wreck sometimes) had grown into such a calm person. Kindaichi was a good friend; so was Watari (who was more or less the same) who always push the blonde to do things he knew he should. It was really voler bene a un amico.

They took pictures, answered a few questions; the main one being "Where have you been these months?". When they got into the building, it was professional looking and appeared to be a high class hotel with noble types hanging around like slimy silk worms. Though he did like the looks they gave him, of surprise, of disdain, some even of slight envy; it was interesting.

"So where the fuck is the restaurant?" He asked, voice carrying slightly in the high ceiling held up by white and gold marble walls.

"Top floor, i heard from Boa the place has a great view." Watari replied, almost bouncing with excitement.

"It better." Kyoutani pouted as they made their way to the elevator, pushing a decorated button with the restaurants name on it.

When they arrived they were greeted by three people all but one in black and brown tailored suits and aprons, the three bowed and smiled. The one in the middle straightened before the others, Kyoutani thought that his eyes looked a tad familiar.

"Ahh if it isn't our 11 o'clock appointment," He said was a businessman's smile, like he was selling something he knew you wanted. He wasn't wearing an apron like the others, his suit was an incredibly dark brown with lighter lines running down it, probably the boss.

"Welcome to my establishment, let me take you to your table. The best seat in the house!" He continued and started to lead them, the three followed with Watari ooing and ahhing; Kindaichi gazing around just the same. Kyou kept his head straight, the place wasn't packed and it was well spread out, a good move he would admit.

Their table was a deep brown matching the suits of the waiters and waitresses bustling around, spacious too with room for lots of food, another good move. Kyoutani sat down against the large window that made up the wall, not touching it of course for fear that he would break the glass and fall through but it certainly had an amazing view. The city lights blinking like the stars that they polluted out, he missed seeing the stars and promised himself he'd move back to Miyagi someday. He needed the familiarity.

"I'll send out our top waiter, he's my nephew so don't be afraid to complain if he does a bad job." The man said was a chuckle but it sounded instead like some sort of unspoken threat, however there was a certain air of fondness wrapped somewhere around the words. The bosses heavy steps retreated and were replaced with soft one's, Kyoutani didn't bother to look at the person approaching.

There was a soft noise of surprise from Watari and Kindaichi before the voice that haunted his dreams rang like a bell in his ears.

" _Hello, i'm Yahaba Shigeru. I will be your waiter for tonight, please take care of me and i will do the same._ "


	6. Wind Chimes and Sobs That Sound Like a Good Life

In another lifetime Kyoutani would be a drug addict and Yahaba would be the needle he forced into his veins, painful but just what he needs. Yahaba would be a patient in a suicide ward and Kyoutani would be the janitor who came and talked about the world outside with him, sad but at least he wasn't alone. Kyoutani would be a shadow, Yahaba a ray of light to cut him in two. Yahaba would be a painting and Kyoutani would be a stroke of the paintbrush used to make him.

They found eachother inside one another, in a weird sort of way. Yahaba was Yang and Kyoutani; Yin, they could look inside the other's eyes and see the individual but also a glimmer of themself.

On the surface, hidden behind a mask, he wanted to erase the little bits of Kyoutani's sharp gold within him. But deeper down, beating away behind his ribs and above his head, he wanted _more_.

When his uncle told him that the 11 o'clock appointment was the ever elusive Mag Dog and his band he didn't really feel anything, he recognized that as the head waiter, he needed to serve the most important of guests. And Kyoutani, Watari, and Kindaichi were the most _important_ you could ever find. He had climbed the chain in the restaurant very quickly, many of his coworkers blaming it on him being the owner's nephew. Though Yahaba knew better, he worked diligently and kept his head down; the snobs who ate there liked it better when the waiters didn't have much of a presence. He basically erased himself, loosing track of who he was just a tiny bit more. Even if the friends that had come back suddenly were slowly bringing him back.

Walking out to that table was as easy as poking yourself with a needle, miniscule but painful when you're trying to draw blood. His feet seemed to want to carry him back and his fingers wanted to shatter the three empty wine glasses between them, an anxiety attack was brimming in the seems of his suit but he still continued further. Down the rabbit hole went the slivery brown fox, though he had _already_ been in the land of wonder.

"Can i interest any of you i one of our signature wines?" He asked after the little greeting he was supposed to say, he was staring at his hands as he placed the empty glasses down, not wanting to look at either of them. He told himself that this was because he had to be professional but it didn't seem to fit, he had seen Kindaichi and Watari the other day but he guessed it was because Kyoutani was here that he was feeling this way. But he didn't really _feel_ anything.

"Hey Yahaba i didn't know you worked here." Watari said happily, Kindaichi nodding along with him. Yahaba finished displaying the glasses and took out his pad and pen, staring at the groves left in the paper from many orders before them.

"We're not supposed to socialize with the clients, forgive me." He said quietly, there was a familiar snort and he gulped and looked up, his eyes meeting Kyoutani's in the glare of the window. Despite his quiet way of speaking, he looked and carried himself with confidence and grace; _fringed_ but nobody needed to know he was acting. He took a shallow breath and asked his question again as Kyoutani turned to face him and only him, pleasing notes coming from the broken chains that hung from his neck. There was a softer look in his sharp golden eyes and Yahaba wanted to scream " _Why?_ ", he wanted to be mad and wanted to have the guts to actually express it but he didn't. There was just a little void in his chest, carved out by Kyoutani's hurtful words. He was finally understanding that he wasn't wanted by the other, but the more he understood that the _less_ he knew of the man's actual feelings.

"Oh okay, i'll text you tomorrow then. I'd like the house special." Came Kindaichi's voice along with Watari's bubbly agreement and Kyoutani's affirmative grunt.

Yahaba started to walk back, almost tripping over his own feet because he could feel eyes on his back. Eyes he _knew_ , eyes he always looked to when he wasn't convinced of where he stood in life. He was just a Yang, fragile and _nothing_ by himself; he needed his Yin to bring out the strength inside of him. God this was so pathetic, Kyoutani hated him; Yahaba shouldn't still be caught up in the feeling that shouldn't exist anymore.

He took a deep breath before coming back, Kyoutani's eyes on him like they had never left. He poured the wine, took their orders, and took his leave once more. That's how the night went coming and leaving with little exchange of anything but somber looks and unsettling stares, Watari and Kindaichi left somewhere around 1 AM. Kyoutani stayed well into the night and early morning though, leaving at 3 Am when the restaurant closed. Yahaba had to wait on him until then, the air around them (at least for Yahaba) tense. Kyoutani went from wine to coffee and Yahaba could see there were unspoken words with every sip, almost as if the other wanted to talk but feared Yahaba would be fired if even a single utterance broke the silence. Kyoutani was always watching him, always observing his movements and making him lose what little bearing he had. He was fumbling with the coffee pot, the discarded cups, and the napkins that had _mysteriously_ unraveled too many times. He could remember when those eyes on him felt like a godsend, like the world wasn't crushing him with every breath he took. Yahaba _tried_ to feel nothing again, but he couldn't fight the little droplets forming behind his eyes. It felt like his job would never end, or that he would never be able to stop messing things up slightly but he did; his hands stilled and his bitten to hell lip stopped it's trembling.

Kyoutani was a rock and Yahaba was the stream rushing past, momentarily interrupted but eventually accommodated perfectly in _their_ very own flow.

Though the only good thing about this night was when Kyoutani left, he felt like he had been suffocating under the all too familiar glare. He watched his back disappear, thankful that soon he himself would be going home. The restaurant closed to the public at 3 but that was only for the employees to clean things up and get changed, Yahaba didn't usually have anything to do but he decided he wanted to talk with his uncle this day. They didn't discuss much, just talked about unimportant things that didn't seem to matter but brought the slightest of smiles to his face. A gentle wave of sadness mixed with relief at the fact that he would most likely never see that man again.

**_< /3<3_ **

Leaving was easy, brought like a gust of wind in the cool of the brisk air. He wasn't in his suit anymore and now felt a bit naked in the dim lights, clad in a pair of soft shorts and a t-shirt. He wasn't dressed fancy but he didn't _need_ to be, he was just heading back to his now furnished apartment.

A sigh escaped his lips as he moved away from the deserted hotel entrance, a soft chill picking up in his shoulders to let him know that he should have dressed warmer. A soft _clink_ was heard to his left, the tune in a _deeper_ , _sadder_ note than any wind chime he had ever heard. His head whipped to the side, almost giving himself whiplash in the unneededly over dramatic action. There were more tunes and clinking as Yahaba's silver-hued brown eyes widened, almost dropping his bag out of pure shock and the slightest bit of fear.

Kyoutani stood, propping himself up against the wall of the building. His muscular arms now crossed and clad in an unzipped leather jacket that provided a sort of crude camouflage, he didn't move nor speak but Yahaba didn't need to be told to get the hell away. He started walking, wondering why he didn't cross the street when he lined up with Kyoutani. The other man was probably just there to mess with or scare him, either that or fucking _jump_ him. That was a scary thought because Yahaba was unsure if he could take that, he'd rather eat glass than be beat up by someone he's _still_ in love with.

Yahaba starts to pass the other and the relief that bloomed had done so all too quickly because within a second a rough hand wrapped itself around his slim wrist, pulling him back and placing him a little too _gently_ than it should have been against the wall. He swallowed the yelp that had started to come out and gulped as he looked at Kyoutani, the other just looking at him and making him feel small in his gaze. A shiver worked through his body again but he was unsure wether it was from the cold or not, he felt cold but he was also unbearably hot.

There was a small noise and a little bit more clinking, Kyouken moving a hand up to Yahaba's face and forcing the other man to flinch away. Soft breaths, just _barely_ visible in the low light, filling the space between them with unspoken words and unknown feelings. The confusion is thick, laced with regret and hesitance. A shaking breath is inhaled, like the person who drew it is trying their hardest not to run; and Yahaba suddenly realizes _it wasn't him_.

"I'm sorry." Kyoutani says, not moving closer physically, but Yahaba feels like he's being _crushed_ by the pressure anyway.

"You don't have to be." He replies, the serrated knife of silence between them is deep, twisting painfully in Yahaba's throat and Kyoutani's temple.

Every word spoken and yelled between them, every stare, every glare, grimace, smile, grin, and smirk; it's all there, never lost between these years. The two of them have been living althoughst they felt as if they had already died. But being in pain, of any sort, means that they are still alive. And they've been living on the same wavelength this entire time.

Kyoutani, who doesn't usually hesitate, is standing, wavering back and forth slightly. Trying to make up his mind.

Yahaba who is usually so above everything looks like he's fallen sixty feet below, he's grasping the little fabric covering his hot and cold body. Trying to get a grip.

They _shouldn't_.

They know they _really_ shouldn't, but they do.

The hard headed, stubborn, downright mean; is also the gentle, caring man, and would downright do _anything_ for the other.

The shallow, snobbish, unadulteratedly selfish; is also the sweetest, most understanding man, and would undoubtedly _sacrifice_ his _entire_ life for the other.

If they could give eachother every single thing they've ever wanted, ever _dreamed_ of; they would.

But all they really _need_ is eachother.

And by some magical twist of fate they both realize that the other is still in love with them, neither of them had ever fallen out. It's like the world is finally taking mercy on these two abused souls who found eachother in the darkest of times, now they're doing it all over again.

Yahaba looks down at the heavy looking chains adorning the others neck and shame starts running down his cheeks from his eyes, it's like those are the chains that have been holding both of them back. The knife, he _rips_ it out. And let's himself _bleed_.

" _I'm sorry_ for calling you pathetic." He says, his face turning down even more as tears drop from his chin. He felt most guilty for that, because he knew that it was always what Kyou's father said.

"I never wanted to let you _leave_ but it was the only _choice_ -" His words cut out. He wants to sniff up the wet snot dripping down, but he doesn't want Kyoutani to know he's crying.

"I just wanted _you_ to be happy."

" _I_ know." The voice is gruff and foreign, he _knows_ it Kyoutani's but his voice is so much different. Different than it was that time in the club, different than in the restaurant. It sounds like a deep, profound _longing_ ; the type that takes root throughout your entire body, _bleeding_ into your heart and soul. The type where _no matter_ how many people surround you, you will still feel _so_ lonely. The type that breeds thoughts of disappearing into the crowd where you'll _never_ be found, you'll just be another face; _forgotten_ until seen in glimpses of a strangers dream.

A hand reaches up and touches his jaw, still rough fingers glide over it gently, smearing the tears there. They _still_ feel like the hands that he knows, the ones that know his body _too well_. It's like the years haven't done anything to them, just made it a lot harder to let go. There are so many words left to be said but the inherent need to _just be_ together is too strong, and Yahaba feels like he should deny it.

But he's _never_ been good at trusting his gut.

The large hand lifts his face up, Yahaba's lips are quaking and he feels the way the shake spreads down to his fingers.

" _Shigeru_.." Kyoutani gets even closer, Shigeru just lets out a quiet breath that's _not quite_ a sob. Time feels forgotten, like they're just stupid, abused kids once again; but they're not fighting for the right to be alive anymore, they've _earned_ it.

"I love _you_." His own hands shoot up to Kyoutani, one gripping the hand on his face while the other shoots to the ripped shirt adorning the man; gripping for dear life, like he could slip away again into a memory of pouring rain and confused feelings.

" _I_ love you too, _Kentarou._ I'm so..." The words don't form, they're hindered by a sob ripping it's way up his throat. There's not another word between them as Kentarou rips himself away.

Only to envelope Shigeru in a tight hug; it is strong and crushing but soft in the _strangest_ , most _wonderful_ of ways. Shigeru is sobbing more but it's like melody, shrouded in happiness and relief.

" _I love you, i love you, i love you, i love you.._ " This is the most beautiful song Kentarou has ever heard, the voice and singer will never get old in his mind.

"It's okay. _Let's_ go, you need to sleep." Kentarou says but Shigeru just continues holding him, he doesn't think he could ever let go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry dears for not updating in a while, i've been feeling kinda mentally fragile lately.
> 
> Hope you enjoy, tune in for the next chapter.


	7. And This Song: For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The finale, sorry if it's no good.

It's not that they really need to do anything. They don't need to talk, or ask where they stand; in fact, just by what little was said outside of that hotel spoke more than their words could really manage. Kentarou's never been great with words, and never really been great with his actions correlating to his thoughts either. But walking to the car he called to come pick them up with Shigeru clinging tightly to his back feels like a step in the right direction.

Of course he doesn't need to say anything, and of course Shigeru is still sniffling quietly, however he _wants_ to for maybe the first time in his life. He says a quiet "C'mon." while loosing his grip on the backs of Shigeru's bare thighs to let the other slide off his back and climb into the car with ease, and he asks a hesitant "Do you need help?" when the other man doesn't move to buckle himself. Shigeru doesn't speak though and it becomes apparent as he buckles him in and he latches to Kentarou's arm again, that there's an unanswered question bubbling just beneath the surface.

The car rolls out, heading back to Ken's high-class apartment by default, the tires hum and bring a newfound tune with them. One he's never noticed before but has always been there. It's tires humming, it's a light switch clicking, it's volleyball cheers and cries, it's children playing, and it's rustling clothes as Shigeru pulls away from him in the back of the car; more than halfway to his apartment. The tune is neither happy nor sad, violent nor soft, fitting nor out of place; _it just is_. It is life. It is the harsh childhood of not only them but people across the world, it is bruises that turn from purple to blue, it is loneliness that will always metastasize like cancer, it is _love_.

 _It is belonging_.

It is some kind of normal, different for all but largely the same.

"I knew we'd find eachother again." He says when they arrive outside of the building, Shigeru is examining the ground like it's a precious diamond, still a polite few inches away from brushing Kentarou's shoulder with his own. The silence seeps in again but also like an answer Shigeru slips his hand into Kentarou's, the man's face now wrecked with the remnants of tears on his cheeks and the soft pout of confusion on his lips. Shigeru does _not_ exchange words with him anymore, Kentarou doesn't expect him too, not yet at least.

Kindaichi and Watari are in his apartment when they deliver themselves, both sitting on his couch watching a movie. It is well past tine for them all to be asleep so he levels them a look that says more of a " _Get out._ " instead of a " _Why are you here?_ ", he's used to the two bumming around his apartment by now anyway. Though he does remind himself to take their spare keys later. The two do leave, though, of course after questioning looks to Shigeru who has delved himself into the torn fabric of Kentarou's shirt; his long fingers twisting in the moderately soft textile. It feels almost awkward when the two other friends leave.

"How did you know?" The voice is horace but firm, Ken knows it's time for questions and answers.

"Fate." He replies and curses himself for not being better with his words, but it's almost natural the way Shigeru ignores his bluntness.

"But you said..?" The other man continued, following Kentarou's example by venturing further into the house. Shigeru is trying not to seem to clingy or needy it's obvious to the both of them, and has been since he first pulled away in the back of the car on the way there. Kentarou however has absolutely no problem with this though, as he grasps all too familiar fingers in his own just to pull his beloved closer to his side.

"I know what i said." He states, sighing contently when Shigeru wraps his other hand around his fore arm, clinging to his right side. "I knew you would come back, or we would find eachother. I was right."

"You don't make any sense." Shigeru laughs, his voice is breathy and there's an underlay of exhaustion but Ken can still tell he's happy.

When they get to the bedroom Ken sets out to find Shigeru some pajamas, he starts digging in the closet with his back turned as Shigeru sits on the bed quietly. He can see his reflection in the mirror that makes up the closet doors and whenever he looks up, their eyes meet. It reminds him of passing glances at volleyball practice, how hateful scowling morphed into a yearning that panged both of their hearts and minds.

"I know why you acted like that at the club.." It's a soft murmur, just barely heard but it makes his movements stutter for a good six seconds. That's right, he needs to apologize for it.

"I'm sor-"

"I started to accept that you and i weren't...- Were just too different." The debonair beauty cuts him off, he doesn't sound on the verge of tears now but that's not going to make Kentarou feel any less guilty.

"'M sorry, i just couldn't stand it. Not _you_ but the thought that you could be happy _without_ me." He mumbles back, finally pulling something worthy of being worn by Shigeru out of the closet and handing it to him.

"It was the same for me." Shigeru takes it with a smile and Kentarou flops down on the bed to give the other some sort of privacy while he changed. It's not awkward, in fact it feels absolutely natural to do this having changed around eachother multiple times.

He thinks for a moment, wondering how appropriate it would be to speak his mind. He decides to run with it, though he would keep it PG. "To be fair," he starts, then; "You did look _really_ good though.".

There's a snort and the air feels as if it's been cleared of all the uncertain smoke, "Speak for yourself." Shigeru chuckles and Ken feels the bed dip next to him. He rolls onto his back and is met with the slimmer man's gaze, leaning right over him. Obviously Shigeru is examining his face the way his irises dart in jerky movements, it's like their printing this new version of Kentarou in his mind to keep for a rainy day. Though there will no longer be anymore figurative rainy days for either of them.

"I see you've gotten better at your eyeliner, finally." Shigeru leans back but is staring into Kentarou's eyes still, he's not wrong either. Over the years Kentarou's been able to perfect the art of making his glare pop fantastically, and he smiles at the compliment because he _knows_ it's true.

"I see you got a better hair cut." He jabs back and Shigeru gives him a little poke to the stomach with an indignant gasp, Ken curls up on himself but laughs.

"And you're still a jerk." The brunette pouts but there's a smile threatening the corner of his lips, his hair isn't much different. It's slightly shorter and shows off a new addition of little black studs in pierced ears. Something Kentarou really likes.

He can't stop the hand that comes up from seemingly no where to cup Shigeru's face, it's an automatic movement, something his body just does out of habit. It's his turn to observe and inspect the way years have changed the _now_ adult leaning over him, his chest flutters like it did back in the days where love was just a rumor. He's paler, skin softer now than ever before, and the only thing obstructing the porcelain is a few microscopic freckles here and there. He runs his eyes over them millions of times to memorize the constellations they make. Despite himself he's still drawn to Yahaba's puppy-like eyes the most, they're just _so_ expressive. However there's a new addition of crows feet, something either from time spent laughing drunk or times where everything just seemed to falling apart. He loves them, he decides, and runs one finger along the corner of his eye to smooth them. A sense of deja vu is almost overpowering from the many instances when Shigeru would smooth the middle of his forehead talking about wrinkles and kissing his glare away, Kentarou smiles and leans up press his lips to the creases on either side of Shigeru's face. They're still very young and he knows for sure that he'll be the one to make them deeper, after all, what type of soul mate would he be if he didn't make Shigeru smile at any given time.

"I could never stop loving you." Shigeru says lightly, a smile that speaks of blooming flowers on the other's face.

"Me either." He says pulling his creampuff into the tightest hug he can manage, they're both smiling, and Kentarou silently curses himself for nit being better with words.  
_**< 3<3**_

That was over a year ago, and as he stands on the stage looking out at the crowd he finally feels at peace, at home even. He can see Oikawa and Iwaizumi, even Mattsun and Maki; he can feel Watari and Kindaichi next to him, in their grounding ways.

However his eyes are only glued to one pair of silvery-brown orbs framed by crows feet and puppy shaped eyes, he grins feeling the beat coursing through him.

His body is jittering again but this time he's really just dancing, and his breath gets stuck in his throat only to come out as a heartfelt yell as the microphone dances across his lips. It reminds him of all the kisses he's shared and how,the most meaningful were always with him.

Shigeru.

"Who's ready to rock?!" He prompts the crowd, finally having a reason to sing. The crowd screams and even Shigeru, who's normally petrified of crowds is bouncing in anticipation.

Kentarou raises one hand to point down at his boyfriend, winking and using the microphone to call over the noise of the crowd:

" ** _And this song: for you!_** "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it's not any good, i've been busy as heck with school and have writers block atm.


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